


Not now, later

by x_thelittleprince_x



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, Haechan too, He doesnt have an eating disorder, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Taeyong Needs a Hug, M/M, Platonic Relationships, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Taeyong is in a dark place, Yuta is kind of an asshole in the beginning, but it could be seen in that way bc he doesnt eat much, just a warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:28:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24163654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/x_thelittleprince_x/pseuds/x_thelittleprince_x
Summary: “Doyoungie, could I talk to you about something?” He asked one morning. Doyoung rushed through the kitchen, grabbing some coffee.“Uh, actually..I have to go soon. I have vocal training and I'm kinda running late. Can we talk later?” Doyoung asked, distractedly putting his coffee into a travel mug. Taeyong bit his lip quietly. He didn't want to be a bother and hold Doyoung up anymore so he put on a smile and said, “Sure. Later.” But later never came.
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Lee Taeyong, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong, Kim Jungwoo/Lee Taeyong, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Taeyong, Lee Taeyong/Everyone, Lee Taeyong/Moon Taeil, Lee Taeyong/Nakamoto Yuta, Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Mark Lee/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 9
Kudos: 279





	Not now, later

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not gonna lie, this is sad but it does get better. Just remember that communication is super important and if you ever feel alone or sad, be sure to speak up and talk to someone. We all mean something to someone out there! Enjoy~

Taeyong feels useless. Normally, he was able to ignore any negative thoughts but not recently. In fact, it seemed to get worse. He would catch himself resorting to self-deprecation whenever the situation allowed it. Messing up a couple of steps to their choreo? Maybe if you worked harder, he thought. Dropped his coffee in the midst of making it? You’re so stupid, how could you drop that. It went on like this for weeks and no matter what he did, he felt like nothing helped. He’d tried to talk to some of the members but for some reason, they always had something to do. 

“Doyoungie, could I talk to you about something?” He asked one morning. Doyoung rushed through the kitchen, grabbing some coffee. 

“Uh, actually..I have to go soon. I have vocal training and I'm kinda running late. Can we talk later?” Doyoung asked, distractedly putting his coffee into a travel mug. Taeyong bit his lip quietly. He didn't want to be a bother and hold Doyoung up anymore so he put on a smile and said, “Sure. Later.” But later never came. 

And it just kept happening. Every time he managed to find a member who he thought was available to talk, they had something else to do. At first, he understood. They were all busy with schedules and preparing for their comeback but eventually, he started taking it personally. Did they just not want to talk with him? Were they all purposely trying to get out of being around him? Maybe they were tired of him. Maybe they hated him. So he stopped trying. Instead, bottling his feelings and doing his best to keep up his happy facade. 

“Taeyong, you keep messing up this part. It goes like this.” Yuta said, showing the foot movements again. Taeyong wiped the sweat from his forehead, panting slightly. 

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled, trying to pay attention to what he was doing wrong. 

“It’s fine. Let’s just try it again. From the top.” Yuta replied casually but Taeyong could hear the slight annoyance in his voice. They practiced once over but Taeyong accidentally blanked when it came to the same move, forgetting what he was supposed to do. Yuta groaned loudly, throwing his hands up in frustration. 

“Taeyong! I don’t understand what's going on with you. You normally always get the choreo right.” He said. Taeyong could feel the rest of the member's eyes on him, watching and waiting for his answer. He felt his hands begin to shake a bit under the pressure as he ducked his head slightly. 

“I’m sorry.” He said once again. 

“You’ve been saying sorry but you’re not even trying to fix your mistakes! We all want to go home sometime today and we can't do that if you keep holding us back.” Yuta yelled, his voice rising with each word.    
“Yuta, calm down.” Johnny started, taking a step forward. Yuta’s words echoed in his mind. Holding them back? He didn't mean to do that. He really was trying his best but he was tired and his mind was clouded with thoughts that wouldn't go away. 

“It’s okay. He’s right. I should work harder.” Taeyong said, his voice coming out stronger this time. Yuta appraised him for a moment before nodding. This time he tried extra hard to focus and thankfully got the steps right. 

That night, however, he couldn't sleep. Though he hadn't been sleeping well for the past couple of weeks anyway so this wasn't new to him but the worst part was that he couldn't stop replaying that day's events in his head. God, why couldn't he be better? He was supposed to be the leader and set an example for the other members but all he kept doing was letting them down. The guilt started to settle in little by little. He had to do better. 

Over the next few days, he spent most of his time at the practice room, staying well into the late-night even when everyone had gone home. He knew some of the members looked at him a bit worried but Taeyong always waved them off with a smile saying he’d be back soon. Except he didn’t. Staying until the sun came back up and sneaking into the dorms to make it seem like he had been there all night. Yeah, he was exhausted. Barely eating or sleeping but at least he was improving and his members wouldn't have to worry about him annoying them all the time. It was during one day that he was at the dorms for once when he was walking out of his room and a wave of fatigue hit him. It was so bad that he blacked out for a few moments, feeling his body fall forward. 

“Ah watch it Hyung!” He recognized Haechan's voice as he blinked away the blackness, his vision slowly coming back to him. “You cracked my screen! Damn it!” Haechan exclaimed as he examined his phone that must have fallen when they collided. Taeyong instantly felt bad, his heart accelerating in his chest seeing how angry Haechan was. “Now I have to go get it fixed. Thanks a lot, Hyung. Do me a favor and stay out of my way from now on.” Haechan hissed before stepping around him and slamming his bedroom door. Taeyong stood in shock never having heard the younger talk to him like that before. The comeback was coming up soon so everyone was a little testy but he couldn't avoid the pressing thought that came to his mind. A little voice that whispered, “Maybe it's because he hates you.” 

But still, he kept his feelings to himself, staying out of everyone's way. This time being more cautious to not be in the same room as everyone else so they didn't have to interact with him. Their comeback promotions started about two weeks later and for a while, Taeyong was so busy working hard that he almost forgot about how bad he felt. In reality, he knew he was only repressing his emotions because he was working so much, and sooner or later, it would have to come out. Not now, later he told himself. 

“Hmm, that's odd. I thought this size was right.” The stylist said, checking over her charts. The pants she had Taeyong try on were much looser than expected. “Okay, I’ll go grab a smaller size and change the chart.” The stylist said, walking off. Taeyong sighed, his eyes gravitating to the floor-length mirror in front of him, lifting the hem of his shirt hesitantly. He could see the weight loss on himself. Even his shirt didn't fit right. Baggy in all the wrong areas. He still hadn't been eating right, not having much time between practicing and promotions but now that he had actually taken a moment to look at himself he realized that he was beginning to look unhealthy. He averted his eyes, feeling disgusted with himself. Why couldn’t he look better? He thought back to earlier when the makeup stylists were putting foundation on him. 

“You have so many dark circles. Be sure to get more sleep, okay? Makeup can only do so much.” They scolded lightly. He assured them that he would get more sleep even if he knew he wouldn't. Part of Taeyong felt completely helpless. The members really must not have cared about him since they never noticed anything wrong with him. He was practically nonexistent in their lives and yet no one bothered to ask where he'd been. The beginning of tears formulated in the corners of his eyes but he clenched his fist, forcing them to go away. Not now, later he told himself. 

Things were fine for the next few days...well as fine as they could be. Except one day in particular. Taeyong had noticed a couple of his fans posting mean comments about him. Usually, he could overlook them, he kind of had to in the K-pop industry but one particular comment really got to him.    
“Taeyong should just leave the group. The other members don’t even like him.” The multiple likes to the comment hit him harder than any comment ever had. Even they saw the other members didn't want him around. His heart ached in chest seeing the comment. He could delude himself as much as he wanted but he had to face the truth one day. 

A day later he sat in front of the manager. 

“I've been thinking things over and I think the best decision for the group would be for me to leave,” Taeyong said, forcing himself to not break down. He had to be strong and do what needed to be done. The manager widened his eyes, hesitating for a moment before speaking.

“Taeyong, what brought this on? Are things okay at the dorm? Maybe we can work them out.” The manager looked for a solution to try and help him. While Taeyong appreciated it, he knew he was only doing his job. 

“No. I'm sure this is what I want. It's what everyone wants.” It took some convincing but eventually, the manager sighed, seeing there was no way to get Taeyong to give in. 

“Okay, I’ll talk with the company and get back to you.” 

It was a few days later when Taeyong was coming back from practice early in the morning. He was startled when he saw all his members sitting in the living room, talking quietly to each other but stopped once they heard the sound of the door opening. Why were they all awake? 

“Hey,” Taeyong muttered, starting to head to his room. 

“Sit down,” Johnny demanded, halting Taeyong immediately. He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion seeing everyone looking at him. This time, he noticed Haechan and Mark had tears in their eyes while everyone else had a look of pure worry and sadness on their faces. Oh, this couldn't be good, he thought. He quickly looked away from them, avoiding their eyes as he found an empty spot at the end of the couch. 

“What's wrong?” He asked quietly, fumbling with his fingers. 

“What's wrong? I think we should be asking you that? Care to explain why we just got a phone call saying you’re leaving the group and your contract will be terminated by the end of the week?” Taeyong’s eyes shot up to meet Johnny’s. He hadn't expected the company to put things through so quickly. Wait.. but why was everyone so sad then? 

“Aren't you happy? I’ll finally be out of your way.” Taeyong joked lightly. Johnny's jaw dropped at his words while a few of the others let out a shocked noise.

“What?” Johnny asked. “What did you just say? Why would we be happy about this?” He asked, his anger rising. Taeyong nervously scratched at the skin on his arms, feeling uncomfortable. Wanting to leave the situation as fast as he could.

“I know I've been a bother to you guys and I'm sorry. I tried staying out more often so you wouldn't have to deal with me anymore-”   
“Taeyong!” Taeil cut in, his voice showing he was clearly offended and hurt that Taeyong thought of them and himself that way. “Don’t say that about yourself. We need you and not just because you’re a group member but because we love you. You’re the glue that holds us together.”

“It's true though. I'm nothing but a hindrance to you guys. I can't do anything right. I can’t practice or rap without messing up, I annoy you guys or break your phones. Even the fans want me to leave. I only make things worse.” The room got eerily quiet before getting overwhelmed by protests from the members.    
“Taeyong, you mean everything to us. We can't be a group without you. Besides you being our leader, you're our closest friend. You take care of us and look out for us. You listen to us when we need you even though we haven't been very good at returning that lately.” Jaehyun spoke up suddenly, frowning. 

“Yeah Hyung. I'm so sorry I got mad at you that one day, I never meant to make you feel bad. You’re like an older brother to me. I love you so much.” Haechan said, a few tears falling down his cheeks as he clutched to Mark for comfort who opened his mouth to speak. 

“You’re like an older brother to me too. And honestly..I don’t know what I’d do without you, Hyung. You were the one who got me through my homesickness. You made me feel like I  _ was _ home.” Taeyong felt the ache in his chest come back as he listened to them. Did they really care about him? His own eyes started welling with tears.

“And I’m sorry I was so hard on you during practice. There was no excuse for my behavior, I should have helped you rather than yell.” Yuta apologized. 

“I can’t believe I didn't realize how much you were struggling. That one time you wanted to talk...I should've stuck around and listened. I could have helped you and prevented this. God, I’m so sorry yongie.” Doyoung said, grabbing Taeyong’s hand from beside him. A loud sob came from Taeyong suddenly, feeling his breath become ragged. 

“I-I t-thought you guys didn't care about me anymore,” Taeyong spoke, feeling a heavy knot in his stomach. “I'm so.. tired. I can't sleep or eat. Every day is filled with me battling my thoughts. It hurts so much.” Taeyong registered the feeling of two arms wrapping around him tightly in comfort. He heard Jungwoo's soft voice in his ear. 

“You don't have to be alone anymore. We love you and we’ll be here for you. I’m so sorry we didn't notice sooner but we’ll never let it happen again. Please don't leave us.” 

“Can’t you see what you mean to us? Just look around. We care for you and love you so much.” Johnny said, emphasizing the last part in particular. Taeyong did take a look around. He glanced over Jungwoo’s shoulder and saw all of them gazing back at him, giving him encouraging smiles even through tears for some of them. He could see the love in their eyes. He could see that they were genuinely worried about him. A phone ringing all of a sudden made Johnny’s face light up as he answered. 

“Yeah, he's right here.” Johnny passed the phone to Taeyong as Jungwoo let go of him. 

“Hello?” He asked in confusion.    
“Taeyongie! How dare you try to leave the group. Don’t you know how much we need you?” Taeyong felt himself cry even harder at the voice on the other line, this time the tears were happy ones. 

“Sicheng. I’ve missed you.”    
“I miss you too. You’re gonna be okay. Just don’t leave alright? I love you and if I have to take the first flight out there just to see you, I will.” Sicheng warned, but Taeyong could hear the smile in his voice. Taeyong knew that was just the type of person he was. He really would come all the way from China just to make sure he was okay. Taeyong laughed through the tears, wiping them away messily. 

“I know you would but it won't be necessary.” He glanced around once more, seeing everyone watching him. He was so grateful to have people that cared about him and loved him as much as his members did. And he knew his mental health would take a while to get better but he knew he could get through anything with their support. “I’m gonna stay.” The chorus of cheers that filled the room and over the phone made his heart feel warm and the weight on his shoulders lifted. He smiled and giggled as they all crushed him in a big group hug, Taeyong finally thought to himself that everything would be okay. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
